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| Biglang nagdilim and paligid. Kanina lang parang narating ko pa ang kanto ng subdivision namin, pero tila ngayon nakasakay na ako sa isang umaandar na sasakyan. Masakit ang ulo ko at nang damahin ko ito ay tila may likidong dumadaloy at tila may amoy dugo sa paligid. Ahh, marahil nga ay dugo itong nasa palad ko ngayon. Hindi ko magawang imulat ang mata ko, namamanhid na ang aking pakiramdam at tila hinahabol ko ang aking paghinga. Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Natatandaan ko pang nasa kanto ako ng aming subdivision at nagaabang ng masasakyan papuntang Pasong Tamo para pumasok sa trabaho.
Umusal ako ng panalangin, nanawagan dahil nararamdaman kong may panganib na nagaabang sa akin.
"Palagay ko naman ngayo'y mapapansin mo na ako!" paangil na sambit ng isang lalaking hindi ko mabosesan.
Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na ako pero alam kong mayroon akong kasama ngayon na animo'y may malaking galit sa akin. Patuloy ang pangingimay ng aking katawan, mula paa ngayo'y paakyat na sa aking baywang. Narinig kong tumigil ang sasakyan.
"Matagal na rin kitang binabantayan. Naalala mo pa kaya ako? Marahil ay hindi na, pero ikaw? Araw-araw ka sa alaala ko." pabulong na sabi ng lalaki sa aking tenga. Hindi na ko makapagsalita, parang inagaw na ang aking boses at kahit anong pilit ko ay hindi ko na rin maigalaw ang aking katawan, pag-ungol na lamang ang tangi kong nagagawa.
"Ang ngiti mo at iyang malamyos mong tinig...matagal kong pinagnasaan na maramdaman ka at maangkin ng buo-buo." Nagugulumihan ako ngunit lumilinaw na ang mga nangyayari sa aking isip. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan para maganap sa akin ito. Unti-unting binababa ng lalaki ang pangibaba kong kasuotan. Hahalayin nya ako, pero wala akong magagawa. Hindi na ako makagalaw. Nanahan ang takot sa aking dibdib. Hindi ito nangyayari sa akin, hindi ako makapaniwala.
"Kailangan kong gawin 'to dahil gusto ko ay akin ka lang..." patuloy pa sa pagsasalita ang lalaki, hindi ko na maintidihan pa ang iba nyang binigkas.
Wala na akong maramdaman. Unti-unti ng nawawala ang lahat ng aking pandama. Patuloy na dumadaloy ang luha sa aking mga mata, humahalo na ang dugo galing sa ulo ko na tila pinukpok ng tubo. Hinila ako pababa ng sasakyan at kinakaladkad ako ng lalaki sa isang bakanteng lote. Sobrang sakit na ang nararamdaman ko...pero saglit lamang yon.
Ito na marahil ang huling pagkakataong madarama ko ang lamig nang hangin na dumadampi sa pagal kong katawan. Dumadaan sa aking balintataw ang aking mga magulang, ang aking katipan, ang aking mga kaibigan. Mga masasayang alala, mga nagdaang kaarawan, mga kasawian, mga tagumpay...Haah, bibitiw na ako at hindi na manlalaban. Andito na ang inaantay ko. Sinusundo na N'ya ako.
***The traveler removed her hat, the weather is pleasant and she felt the
wind comb her hair as the train run fast and swept the dust on its way. It was a good day; the sun is kissing her face as she moved closer to
the windowpane. The storm is over at last. Her heart is beating wildly from the thought of what awaits her at the
end of this trip. I'll be seeing him soon! The journey wasn't easy but indeed the most challenging and fulfilling
trip she ever made. A happy thought crept inside her head - "What was I
thinking?" and she smiled.
-jaz (I got this over her friendster account in the "about me" profile)
***You will always be
remembered in our hearts, Jaz. I may always wonder how things happened, why they ever did, and still never understand reasons people might offer...but at least we know that you are now with our
Creator. God rest your soul. Till next.
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| I saw this word over the internet, then I said...this will be my adjective for the week. This will be me for the week.
My mind flooded again with soo much things. I wonder if this is good for me or not. Sometimes, I get a tight feeling in the chest just thinking about...things and stuffs, I shouldn't be worrying about but hey, I'm just human. I, rarely talk to myself, and that is a sign of drifting off again from myself. Hehehe. Psycho lang.
Watch Dream Girls with Tin and Gen yesterday at Tin's. Of course, we had sausages and french fries were again in the menu, some blueberry cheesecake and iced tea. Tin fetched us at the same place, near the "wanted GRO" sign. Hahahaha. Using my wrecked (believe me this is an understatement) payong, we walked around 1 km with the sun at its peak, I think. Really sweating hard before even getting to Tin's SUV...hehe, tinatalo ko si Jabar sa pagpapawis, well anyway. Jennifer Hudson was really bitchy, I kinda hated her but got my sympathy near the end of the movie. Was quite good actually. Loved the hand movements when they're singing even if they were just actually conversing. Hehehe.
On the wait again, I hope to get my visa screen done this week but I really wish I could get myself in New York and not any place else...well anywhere is better than here, so kahit saan pala, kaladkarin lang.
Jeng's birthday treat later. Free food, that's real great savings. Hehehe.
Blessings here and there. Really glad things are doing pretty okay with morosity aside.
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| It has been a month since I started with my new company with the same old job as an MT (as I may put it, sabi nga nun may-ari ng InnovaQuest, I keep coming back to this job kasi wala akong alam ibang gawin bukod sa pagiging MT, duh to her). I have never felt better. Siguro kasi it has been 6 months din na female model ang occupation ko sa bahay namen, and that one-day volunteer stint (that turned out to be another one of my modelling career extension) at Maragondon which ended up to be just a one day affair.
Bad habits on the real go again.
Sabi nila nasusukat ang faith through the "wait". Darn waiting. Who invented the word in the first place, can't wait to start kicking his ass.
It has been 8 months now. My plans of taking my exam cluttering my mind, well, not entirely all the time really. Just passes me once in a while. Carole's got her visa and will be taking the test on the 22nd. While, I, am left in the blackhole waiting; but its good to be given the chance to wait, though.
Have you ever been hated? Siguro naman. Pero, yung tipong hated by people you really cared about, pero yun pala, they see you so wrongly and generally tortures you at the back of their minds? They wish you ill and stuff like that. Yung tipong nakakasakal ka na palang kaibigan hindi sinasabi sa'yo tapos malalaman mo sa ibang that person really wishes to get rid of you pala, nde lang nya masabi? Well. Another event charged to experience. May napatunayan ulet ako, good intentions aren't always appreciated. You have to be evil at times to make sure evil people will hate you and flee from you, kasi they wouldn't want you to be eviller than they are. I am babbling, on job duty, this is bad.
Thing is, I get affected. Stuff like these...? It gets to me. Chills me to the bones. Haunts me. Depresses me. Thing is, I don't say anything. I let it pass. Typical doormat-type of person. Hang me.
Ahh. Nagrereklamo na naman ako. Just so predictable. Good thing, youtube is playing PBB and American Idol which I get to miss on TV due to work or due to sleepiness. My Mom's always there to make ends meet. I get to pay all debts on time (except the 200 due to Karen that I tend to forget when I get my sweldo and remember when I dont have enough money to pay her). I can afford buying four rolls of tissue for the month, drying up my tears. Songs to sing in times like this. Lastly, I still have good people around me, good friends. Real ones.
As a bus sign says, Times are bad, God is good.
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| Slowly I begin to see how my world could end up. Mukhang madali lang ang buhay nung bata pa ako. May Nanay at Tatay na feeling ko, immortal. Tipong mga bampira ba? Pinapakain ako, ipinapasyal, pinagagalitan at inuutusan pa nang kuya kong mahirap kausapin at nakakaubos ng dugo. Andyan op cors ang mga kamag-anak (compound kame nakatira), ayun, lalong magulong kausap. Bata pa lang ako dama ko na ang convulutions ng mga utak nila. Hehehehe. But I survived. Ang hirap lang, mali ata ang survival kit na nabuksan ko kaya medyo mahina ang loob ko. Nuong teener ako, tipong, kapag sinabi sa akin, "No, Jomah!" o di kaya "Bad, Jomah!" bahag ang buntot na sumusunod. O di ba tinalo ang puppet? Ang pagiging rebelde, inilalabas sa pagiging layas. Kung saan -saan nakakarating, malimit nagsisinungaling para lang makalarga at makachika ng overnight sa high school barkada. Then, college happened. Taena. First love, first kiss (yihoy! na-experience ni Ms. NBSB yan! Eh, first sex? ahahaha. Hush. ) Wow. Talk about high. Tinalo ko pa nag-shabu, I wonder how that feels pero I bet it's this good or even better. Feels like the world revolves around you, your guy and friends. Studies? Even came last to my list, kaya ayun ang TOR inilipad ng mga paruparo (a.k.a tres). Pagtigil ng buhay dahil sa kabiguan. Pagluha ng balde-balde. Pagkawala ng mga kaibigan, hindi na muling pagtibok ng puso at sa pagpigil dito (naks!). After all the schooling, there comes work. The unending monotonous work life of a PT volunteer. God. Generally, three years, the goodness of my heart did not fail me, ayun. Kaya, I'm poor as a pauper. Well, fault yan ng aking kagalingan sa pagsesettle ng accounts. Ang galing kasi sa numero, galit pa sa pera at mahinang sideline...bad combinations. Bugbog sarado. Then I learned my dad was a mortal, indeed. After sometime, I turned into a typing machine. Yabang. That's just how I put it. Transcriptionist. Met my SPI family. Ayun kumita ng pang-inom, wala pa rin ipon. Hanggang sa... Balik estudyante. Ng buhay. Tambay. Tulala. Tunganga. Nagaantay ng grasya. Nagaantay sa hindi kasiguraduhang bukas. Umaasa. Nangangarap. Walang kwenta. A big mockery, if my lola would put in words. When will I be in her league kaya? Lapit na siguro, konting push pa sa mga pangarap ko, maraming dasal...maraming dasal...at maraming dasal. Bubulong, sisigaw, magmamakaawa. But the moral of the story, kasama mo ang pamilya mo sa bawat hakbang ng buhay. Minsan tahimik, minsan di napapansin, minsan parang wala...pero alam mong andyan, kelangan lang lumingon. Slowly I begin to see how my world could end up...its for me to choose and make it happen. Pero kahit ano pa man, may peace of mind ako na andito ang pamilya ko sa tabi ko. Whether I like it or not. | | |
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